These almost automatic responses can be triggered or intensified by an old feeling or implicit memory. That’s because we’re much more likely to get triggered by those closest to us.Ī lot of our most intense reactions have more to do with our past than our present. We may tend to experience a lot of these moments with our partner. I recently wrote about “ flipped lid moments” when we have big reactions where the higher functions of our brain that help us balance and regulate our emotions temporarily go offline. Staying grateful puts us in touch with our compassion, and it makes us happier in ourselves in general. Maybe, they don’t want to go out, because they’re feeling down or low energy, because of something they’re struggling with. Maybe they forgot the mail, because they’ve been extra stressed or under pressure in other areas. This can also help us have a little more insight or empathy into what they’re going through. Whatever it is, we have to keep our eyes open to the kindnesses and considerations that come our way. Maybe they held the door or offered to pick up the kids or folded our laundry or asked us about our day. Maybe they were really affectionate or acknowledging.
Maybe they made us coffee in the morning before they left for work. It’s important not to assume everything is about us or a reflection on how our partner regards us in general.Ī helpful way to remember this is to think about what we’re grateful for in relation to our partner. He isn’t excited to go out with me anymore.” Once again, no one is perfect, and we can be in different places in a given moment. She never listens to me or cares about what I ask.” Or “I can’t believe he wants to stay in tonight. We may get stuck on thoughts like, “She forgot to pick up the mail again. In a given day with our partner, we may be inclined to zero in on one little thing that irritates us, rather than taking notice of the 10 nice things they did for us. When we take this time and reflect that we’re listening and we care, our partner is much more likely to reciprocate, and the outcome will be much more positive and impactful. This means having patience, remembering they’re a separate person with their own point of view, and hearing them out. If we really want our partner to hear what we’re saying or to feel closer to them, then we have to keep those goals in mind even in moments of frustration. When we operate like this, the best-case scenario is that we win the battle, but we lose the war. In general, we can be so focused on winning the argument that we forget the goal of the discussion. How can you complain?” or “Yeah, but I’m always doing nice things for you. We may notice that we meet everything our partner says with, “Yeah, but…” as in “Yeah, but I do so much around the house. We may get so zoned in on how we’re feeling in a conversation and what we want to say that we aren’t even hearing the other person.
So many conflicts within couples center on one person needing to be seen as “right.” Yet, every one of us is an autonomous individual with our own point of view. Here are three things to keep in mind to help you think big and keep things close between you and your partner. Getting bogged down or having a big reaction in a moment of frustration is rarely the best way to resolve issues, communicate, or make things better.
No relationship or partner is perfect, and each and every one of us carries a certain number of defenses and adaptations that don’t always serve us. We can take them for granted, focus in on the negative, and start to see and treat them in ways that denigrate them and diminish the relationship. The downside of being so close to someone else is that we can lose sight of them as a separate person. One effective approach to this pursuit is to focus on the big picture. When we’re with someone we love and value, it’s worth questioning how we can do work within ourselves that can help us not be so heated or reactive. While it’s natural for our feelings to shift in response to different circumstances, it can be frustrating to hit road bumps with our partner that, in hindsight, seem unnecessary or irrational.
From morning to night, our interactions with our partner can range from loving and romantic to irritable and cynical. For many couples, these dips can occur on a daily basis. Happiness, Relationship Advice, Relationship Problems, Relationships, SexualityĮvery relationship has its ups and downs.
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